The Eremitic Life of a Religious Studies Student

There was a time when I was much more adept at understanding the science and art behind astrology. I’m not a big believer in “the planets control you” but I am aware that there is some pretty good studies on the subtle influences. And the coincidences, of course, can be pretty amazing when you start stacking them all up side by side. More often than not, my daily horror-scope (that I’ve started reading again for kicks) is really way off. But I read mine at the end of the day to see if the “predictions” for that day panned out rather than reading them in the morning and setting myself up for self-fulfilling modes of thought based on someone else’s interpretation of the planets. All that aside, though, I remain a skeptic when it comes to taking astrology a bit too far.

There is something to be said for Mercury Retrograde though. Interestingly enough I can track every major faux pas in my dealings on difficult subjects with a time period of Mercury retrograde. Even now, the escalation of the warzone with Jenn has only occurred after the start of the retrograde and gotten worse over time as the situation has become mangled in just flat out bad communication (i.e., words not properly used in context, misunderstandings of intent, increase in hostility over both malformed context and intent, etc). Quite frankly, we haven’t gotten anything accomplished on the communication front and I can attribute that to several different factors. But I find it interesting that prior to this retrograde period (and I can back this up with emails from both sides) we were actually making really good progress in discussing things, being (generally) friendly, talking about opening up the future to possibilities, and (most importantly) we were laying the foundations for the Plan. Nearly to the day of the retrograde all that changed 180°.

I don’t think that is just a coincidence. I’m not saying the planet “caused” the communication breakdown. (We did that on our own and, generally, I’m to blame for that too as I mentioned two posts back about “how far” each of us is willing to go—my glitch right now is about “talking.”) But I am saying that there is more than meets the eye going on right now.

We have lived before.
We will live again.
We will be silk,
Stone,
Mind,
Star.
We will be scattered,
Gathered,
Molded,
Probed.
We will live
And we will serve life.
We will shape God
And God will shape us
Again,
Always again,
Forevermore.

—Earthseed: The Books of the Living

I’m the first to admit when I’m wrong. I always have been. So I will here too.

I said some things that (1) were not entirely accurate, and (2) were designed to pierce the skin.

I was wrong.

I have apologized. I have asked for forgiveness. I was sincere.

I have heard nothing but vile insults and dehumanizing rhetoric. The problem with the whole scenario is that I am willing to admit my mistakes. All I hear in return is that I make mistakes, not that anyone else does, that they contributed to the problem, or that finding a solution is important.

What I can say is that karma is a bitch and unresolved issues here will follow into future relationships. We know this to be true on the other side because of the lies that had to be told in order to sustain those relationships. But it’s true on my side as well. (Nothing is a one-way street here, so I’m not nailing her up here without pointing the same fingers at myself.) If I don’t have some of these issues resolved, then if I can’t work things out with her (and resolve them with her) then I’ll just take them with me to any future relationship. What’s the point then? And if we can’t work these out together, then fourteen years was a lie.

However, one thing of which I can be assured of in this larger situation, the price for consequences continues to rise on both sides. How far is she willing to go to spite me? How far am I willing to go to “force” a resolution? The choice that has to be made is whether there is a middle ground that both of us can agree to meet and stand on without compromise on that position. From there, then we can begin to renegotiate a many different things and reexamine many more possibilities without fear of losing our way. But without that one, single position being agreed upon, then this will continue to escalate out of control.

But today, for all my anger, was my fault. I brought this on myself. And I hurt two people that I deeply love and care about in ways that I cannot express enough.

I’ve reached my limit this morning. In 19 hours, should the ’status quo’ remain as it is right now, the consequences will be severe and irreversible. I have lost my mind this morning and I’ve taken all I can take of this situation.

Despite my anger and hostility right this minute, I am committed to the Plan. But if it is sniped one more time by her or she uses this to kill the Plan, then … well … I keep saying choices have consequences. Those choices are about to come back around in the real world.

Take comfort.
Each move toward the Destiny,
Each achievement of the Destiny,
Must mean new beginning,
New worlds,
A rebirth of Earthseed.
Alone,
Each of us is mortal.
Yet through Earthseed,
Through the Destiny,
We join.
We are purposeful
Immortal
Life!

—Earthseed: The Books of the Living

Giving up is not an option. It’s a temptation, but it’s not an option.

I sit here tonight overwhelmed by school. I really thought I wouldn’t be sitting in a darkened apartment, listening to the quiet sounds of Cartoon Network in the other room and the panting of a near-sleeping dog under my feet, alone, and trying to figure out what I should do next.

I shouldn’t have gotten an apartment. I should have found some person, male or female, who was stable, reliable, a stay-at-home kind of person, and good with children so that I could be roommates. I would have paid extra even to have them as a helper with Jinx so that I could finish out this semester without failing. So, it makes perfect sense that instead of his mother being there for us and having access to 100% of my money, I could only pay rent and fees (and maybe a little extra here and there) for someone else to watch him.

It’s not like our time would be sent any different than it is now. I mean, we went to the movies tonight (the dollar movies, but still…) and we’ve had a generally good day despite the fact that I was really supposed to be studying and taking tests (which I finally finished up about 30 minutes ago). But instead of having to sit inside or be mad at me for being a bit overprotective in a new place, he could have had someone that was capable of taking him places while I studied, keep him occupied around home, assist me with his homework projects in tandem, and generally ensure that he was kept focused and occupied to stay out of trouble.

I mean, really, it is just for a couple more months anyway. I’ve pretty much dumped the idea that I’ll be able to go back to school after this semester. I realize that next semester is basically paid for already, but I cannot focus on the work and I need to be focused on him rather than myself. It’s not like he’s an adult that should be able to remain focused, self-contained, and supportive on his own without having to be prompted or disturbed that such expectations are normal in families. I guess what’s funny to me though is that Jinx is definitely more help to me getting things done than anyone else ever has been. He keeps asking if I’ve finished my homework or if I’ve taken the test I was talking about yesterday. I was doing something else earlier and stopped to go to the bathroom. I wasn’t gone sixty seconds and I came back to the table to find my Biology book covering my laptop keyboard. He’d taken it upon himself to remind me in a very subtle manner that I was supposed to be studying, not reading blogs and LiveJournal.

But the fact remains that when I look back on what I could have done with my education, the only thing I will remember is how selfishness and disrespect stepped up and became more important than a family growing, caring, and moving forward together in every aspect of life. One person trying to live like a angsty teenager became more important than a functional, mature, and bonded family. Some will call it a cop-out, to be sure. I call it a reality of just the way things are right now. I’m not saying I won’t ever go back again. I’m saying that there had been a Plan in place that was functional and irresponsible and inappropriate actions and behavior have replaced that Plan so that it is no longer functional. And I haven’t once received a single comment about it or any kind of remorse or apology at all over the huge amounts of life that these actions and behaviors have cost me and Jinx. Go out to ride a cowboy and the come home to screw the family. It’s just another day at the rodeo for some and they don’t think there is anything wrong with that lifestyle at all.

Wow. Didn’t mean to get bitter sounding. But I am. I am bitter about all this. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. I didn’t overtly cause this. (I had a hand in it, but passively through my inactions rather than anything blatant.) I didn’t have any choice in this. I have been handed this, given several options that sound nothing alike from day to day, told that I’m the problem, and then abandoned in every way but in word. Yeah. I’m a bit bitter over it all. I think, at least for a little while, I am quite justified and allowed to be bitter.

Not.

Anyone as tired as I am of not being surprised by a certain someone’s actions?

I’ll stop noting these things (except on my calendar as necessary for appropriate record keeping).

Effective immediately.

       Self is.
       Self is body and bodily
perception. Self is thought, memory,
belief. Self creates. Self destroys. Self
shapes. Self adapts. Self invents its
own reasons for being. To shape
God, shape Self.

—Earthseed: The Books of the Living

I shouldn’t say that, but it’s true. It doesn’t feel any different than any other Friday night I’ve lived through for the last year. Now I wish I had company.

Jinx and I are at the house tonight. Alone.

Of course, the decision was based more on practical issues than anything else. I needed a place where I could catch up on homework and he could go outside without me worrying about where he was going. Since Jenn was going to do her normal Friday night traipsing around until who knows what time tomorrow, we thought we’d just hang here. Zoe gets to play with Thanatos. Jinx gets a bit wider scope to play. I get my homework done. We’re going to my dad’s tomorrow morning for breakfast. (Apparently he didn’t get my email, so we had a long talk tonight. I’d rather eat live ants.)

I told my dad that I thought we were making progress in some of our communications, but I’m not so sure that’s the truth. Maybe we are. But until I get something concrete from her on all this, it’s just a lot of words and images that she’s throwing around for nothing more than … I don’t know … a game?

That’s the update. Not much to say tonight. I have major exams all weekend and next week and I’m totally unprepared. I have no one to rely on to ensure that Jinx is taken care of right now while I cram and go through the next week of this stuff. I refuse to fail, though given everything else in life I guess it’s a bit late to suggest otherwise.

Oh. And I’m horny. (Thought I’d throw that in for good measure. Just to put a little life into the party here! LOL!)

… the secret is not Truth in Death, but Truth in Life. And I’ve only just begun to understand that. And that is something that magicians will rarely grasp in their fantasies of perfection in paradise, ultimate sacrifices and heroic longing through the veils of eternity. We live that Dream within a dream, that desperation that makes us human but, in our arrogance and pride, we call magick. We prefer the lies, the untruths, the comfortable silence that precedes the roar of Truth as it strips away the flesh of our fantasies and leaves our bones whistling in the winds of the storm. We prefer to be blind, for to have our eyes opened would mean the acknowledgment of our own humanity, our own frailness, our own impotence, our own self-delusions of grandeur and piety, our own ability to be free. And that’s just it isn’t it … Freedom. He walks with Truth, side by side, as She brandishes her sword at those who would remain in their ignorance and delusion, in the shackles of the past.

“… and the Truth shall set you free.”

Yet, freedom and truth doesn’t mean that we can escape the Artist or remove ourselves from the Grand Painting. It merely means that we can step back and see the brilliance of our place in the big picture. For good or bad or indifferent, there is a place for each of us, and every situation has merit for something or someone. You don’t have to understand it. You merely have to live it. But if you can figure out your color, and you can see the big picture, you can pretty much figure out where your place is in this incredible picture of the universe.

Not that it really means anything to me. I’m going to have to find a kid-sitter tonight, hopefully someone with kids that he can stay the night, just so that I can cram. I’m determined to at least finish out this semester and not fail this stupid Biology class. But Jenn is going to a “concert” tonight. That’s kind of like going to a “company party” but less verifiable since anyone can look up a concert date on the Internet and claim to be there to cover their ass. But she didn’t waste any time jumping back into her normal routine after a two week break. It would be one thing if we all still lived at the house. I trust him in the neighborhood and he has friends there that his mother knows. But at the new apartment, he really wants to get out and meet new people and I promised this weekend would be a great time for that. But I can’t study like I need to right now and be concerned about where he is, who he’s running around with, and trying to keep him out of other people’s apartments until I can meet the parents too.

But it would appear that I’m going to be covered in work today and me trying to multitask to get this lab done (it’s due by midnight tonight) is just not going to happen. Fortunately, the professor(?) has extended the Midterm/Practical “last day” date by two days, but that just means that I have two extra days. I still have to cram for that and get next week’s unit completed as well. And sometime in the middle of all this between 5PM tonight and 10PM Monday night, I’m supposed to take my first Anthropology exam over material of which I have no clue what it is. Really. I mean, this material is just all over the board and not designed at all for a student. I’m not even sure it’s designed for a human being.

I’m not as anxious today. I have some, but it’s more about school than anything else. Even if I decide to not go back, I’d like to not screw up this semester. Should I actually find someone in the future that is willing to share our lives in a way that allows me to finish, then I’d like my grades to reflect all this work I’ve put into this already. Or there is always after Jinx is old enough to be self-sufficient or is in school himself (home or away).

I want to snark. Can I snark? I’m not going to snark. I started writing something creative last night and it wasn’t snarky, so I’m not going to snark. Depending on a response, I’ll probably work on the next section tonight. Okay. That’s a lie. I’ll be studying cramming. *sigh*

When vision fails
Direction is lost.

When direction is lost
Purpose may be forgotten.

When purpose is forgotten
Emotion rules alone.

When emotion rules alone,
Destruction … destruction.

—Earthseed: The Books of the Living

I have to admit that I’ve done absolutely nothing of substance tonight. We met our upstairs neighbors who are not the Tweakers I originally suspected them of being. Well, okay. They might be, but they are nice enough overall.

I wrote a little bit of private material tonight and did no homework. I’m almost to the point of just not giving a shit anymore. This whole episode of life has drained all desire, all initiative, and all motivation from me. I’m lucky to be existing at the moment. That’s probably much more dramatic sounding than it really is. I just don’t know that I can catch up enough in two days to actually make a difference in the two classes that I have to really pass this semester. The other two are not blow off classes, but they are classes in which I am generally well-versed already in the subject matter and can do the material blindfolded, drunk, and the night before its due.

Not that I do that, I mean. I’m just saying. I feel wingless now. I had a raison d’être, a purpose, a telos, something that drove me to exceed more and more to a point of completion. Now I have an apartment, a child, a dog, and a job. Big deal. It’s not that I don’t appreciate a place to live. It’s not that I don’t love my child or enjoy my dog. It’s that I had a point to all this that was bigger than the individual parts and we’ve all been reduced to those parts now for nothing more than a stupid, fucked up, flin… anyway. I won’t get snarky right now. I mean, if I was going to have to go through all this again, why couldn’t it have been over something really horrific and unforgivable like burning a book or tearing up the library or defacing one of the “magical” artifacts laying around?

Yeah. Apparently—so I’m told—I have really fucked up priorities in life about what is a relationship buster. Oh. And apparently—so I’m told—it’s the guy that is supposed to walk away, not give a shit, abandon his family, and go look like an asshole for a while until he can find some young hot thing to take up his time. Oh. Wait. Right. And buy a two-seater car of some kind. Preferably a fast model. Like the young hot thing.

I guess I missed the memo. I’m just not interested in a life like that. But I guess I should give it a shot. It sounds just as pointless as where I’m at now. Who actually wants to live that way? Oh. Right. Never mind. No sense in pointing out the obvious.